I Had A Baby And All I Got Was An Adult With Independent Decision Making Capabilities

The Bad Advisor repurposes real letters from advice columns and adds her own unique spin, "Telling advice column letter writers what they actually wanted to hear." I thought this one was pretty fabulous. 

Dear Abby, 30 August 2013:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two beautiful, hardworking daughters we brought up as loving, respectful parents. Recently, “Kellie,” 25, got tattoos covering her right arm, leg and ankle as well as her shoulders. They are visible unless she wears long sleeves and long pants. This has ruined our relationship because it shows how little she thinks of us as parents, and how disrespectful of our feelings she is to put the tattoos where everyone can see them. She knows we don’t like tattoos because we have mentioned it to her and voiced our disappointment when she got the first one on her ankle. I can’t sleep at night or look at my daughter knowing how little she cares about our feelings. I feel it’s a slap in the face that she doesn’t honor, respect or love us. What do you think? — BESIDE MYSELF IN FORT WORTH

Dear Beside Myself In Fort Worth,

If your daughter can afford to get all these heinous marks of Satan on her body, she can also afford to buy you some sleeping pills to prove that she loves you, which she is obligated to do in her every action and thought by clearing literally everything she does and thinks with you first in order to receive your explicit approval, which is the textbook definition of love and respect.

Who has children just to see them grow up to become autonomous humans who don’t cater to every whim and desire of their boundlessly generous creators, who want only exactly what they want for their offspring and nothing else in basic repayment for existence on planet earth?

But since tattoos are irrefutable proof of a 25-year-old adult’s hate for her parents, I wouldn’t hold out for a decent night’s sleep. Your daughter gets tattoos solely to spite you, because you are the center of the known universe.

Does this make you feel great?

This week, Stephanie Drury, who is a keen observer of Christian Culture (a different animal entirely from Christianity), ran across an article recommending 62 Things to Say to Make Your Husband Feel Great. She decided to text these things to her husband and post screen shots of his responses. A few gems are below. You can read them all here and here.

Update: Bonus! Part 3!

Mom's Tattoo

Well, temporary tattoo, anyway. I got her this as a Mother's Day present (thank you, Etsy!), and though it arrived too late, it is never too late to get an accordion tattoo. As they say in the tattoo world, No Regert.

You look fabulous, Mom.

Mother's Day Proclamation

This, my friends, was the original Mother’s Day proclamation, written by Julia Ward Howe in 1870, a few short years after the end of the Civil War. You may be familiar with another piece of her writing: The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

You may notice there’s no mention of brunch in there. There’s no mention of flowers. There is, in fact, very little mention of motherhood. In fact, Howe’s idea for mother’s day had nothing to do with people honoring their mothers. Instead, she tells women to “leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.” In other words, she tells them to dump their families, hit the road, and get together with other women to work for peace.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Let's go, Oakland! Guest posts from the Parental Units

Photo by Michael Macor, SF Chronicle

I have been a half-hearted fan at best this season. I never even got to a game. But my parents were there today for game 162, so I asked them for their take on the final, and division-clinching, game of the seasons.

Here's my mom's contribution:

5 games behind the Texas Rangers with 9 games to play. 

Then, on October 3, 2102 the amazing A’s, on the last day of the regular season, game #162, won the third game of their series with Texas, 12-5, to take the American League West Championship! And…we were there (along with 36,000 other hopped up fans) The weather was perfect, high 70’s with a nice gentle cool bay breeze. Great ball park food: nachos, hot dogs, ice cream, popcorn, cotton candy, soft drinks and beer, beer, beer. Only once did the team and fans falter, when, in the 3rd inning Texas scored 5 times to take a 5-1 lead. But when the A’s answered in the 4th with a big 6 run inning, thanks in part to Josh Hamilton’s unbelievable error on a routine fly ball, everyone got refocused and never looked back. The fans roared for every strike an A’s pitcher threw, and got even louder for every out. You could know what was going on with your eyes closed just by listening to the fan responses. No one sat still, folks jumped up to see the plays then flowed up and down the isles. The Coliseum rocked. It was a very satisfactory day. Oh and did we mention that the A’s won?

Now we get to fidget as the post season begins.

Dad's take:

Proverbs 24:17

Oh, to heck with that. Go A's!

Various & Sundry, May 26 Mostly images and literary snark

Whew! It's been a busy week. I'm glad to take a moment to dump post lovingly about some of the interesting things I saw in passing this week.

I missed the solar eclipse last weekend, but someone took advantage of it rather romantically.

Please note that this is a composite photo; they weren't actually able to get this in one shot. Still cool, though.

Are you part of a book group? I'm not. But if I were, these are some of the questions I'd be asking.  For example,

3. Several people have noted key differences in structure between the modern bestselling novel and commercially successful classic literature. Who do you think these people are trying to impress? Can we all acknowledge that these people went to Brown so we can move on?

Questions like these are the reason I'm not part of a book group.

On the other hand, I have nothing but the highest admiration for Philosophy Bro who reads and summarizes philosophy texts in frat speak. Behold, one of the less profane sections of Plato's Apology. (Actually, it's not one of the less profane sections, because I couldn't find one. So, yeah, bad language, you are forewarned.)

I'm not going to disobey the gods just to avoid death; why the fuck would I take the risk into account when trying to decide whether or not to do the right thing? Were the soldiers of Troy inferior because they said, 'Death? I don't give a shit, as long as justice happens on the way.' Spoiler Alert: No. Besides, I don't know shit about what happens after death, so how can I be afraid of it? You want me to not do a thing that I know is awesome, just so some mysterious thing I know nothing about won't happen? Yeah, fuck that noise.

That is exactly how I imagine Socrates talked.

I want to know what Socrates would have to say to the frat boys who might have accidentally burned down their frat house when they engaged in the year-end frivolity of burning their textbooks. Oops.

You know who else was a smart-ass? Mark Twain, who had this to say when he learned the library allowed children to read Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn:

I am greatly troubled by what you say. I wrote Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn for adults exclusively, and it always distresses me when I find that boys and girls have been allowed access to them. The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean; I know this by my own experience, and to this day I cherish an unappeasable bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again this side of the grave. Ask that young lady—she will tell you so.

Although I enjoyed the obituary about the competitive croquet player, obit of the week goes to Evelyn Johnson, aka MamaBird, who logged more hours flying than any other woman and died at the age of 102.

The record for hours flown is held by Ed Long, who flew more than 64,000 hours surveying power lines and whose last words, before his death in 1999, were supposed to have been: “Don’t let that woman beat me.” 

She made a valiant effort to do so, despite the onset of glaucoma and a car crash in 2006 which forced doctors to amputate her leg — she complained that it was not the flying that was the problem, but “getting the prosthesis into the small planes”. Though eventually forced to give up before beating Long’s record, she continued to manage the airport until the age of 101.

That's someone to admire.

Phillip Oliver, who blogs at Dirt Therapy, has been posting lots of wonderful pictures of gardens in Asheville this week. I particularly loved the ones from Christopher Mello's garden with its "dazzling array of bottle trees and found objects including old rusty shovels and Tonka trucks (yes Tonka trucks!)."

I found another great photographer this week: a high school classmate of mine who now does wonderful digital photography, mostly close-ups of flowers, such as the one below. I encourage you to check them out and enjoy them all.

Peas, baby by Glo Photography

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Various & Sundry

Whew! Lots to share.  Let's get to it.

The voting continues at Lent Madness, but more pressing matters are at hand: The Peeples Choice Awards for the Washington Post Peep Diorama Contest is on, and there's still time for you to vote for your favorite!

I saw this article courtesy of Word Boy Dave: memoirists' mothers review the memoirs written by their children! Brave mothers and children both.  And such good motherly advice, too! For example, when asked, "Any advice for Sara [Benincasa] about writing her next memoir?" the answer was, "I think she needs to put in more vulgarity in the next one; this one was way too innocent!" Coming right up, I'm sure.

If the book The Righteous Mind is anywhere nearly as informative as this review of The Righteous Mind, then I think it's something I'm going to have to read. Here's one snippet from the review:

To the question many people ask about politics — Why doesn’t the other side listen to reason? — Haidt replies: We were never designed to listen to reason. When you ask people moral questions, time their responses and scan their brains, their answers and brain activation patterns indicate that they reach conclusions quickly and produce reasons later only to justify what they’ve decided.

Here's another: "The problem isn’t that people don’t reason. They do reason. But their arguments aim to support their conclusions, not yours."  Isn't that amazing? And so obvious when you think about it. It makes me wonder what other insights I'll get if I read the whole book. And if it will change the way I talk and listen to others.

Speaking of reviews, PeaceBang wrote a perceptive review of the new Muppets movie this week that is worth a read for the critique that begins about a third of the way in.

In my ongoing resolution (now Lenten discipline) to give up shame, I appreciated this blog post on Perfectionism and Claiming Shame from Brene Brown from a few years back.  She defined perfectionism thusly:

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Well, when you put it that way...

In contrast, take a look at 43 lessons from 43 years.  For example, lesson 31: "The perfect is the enemy of the good. Too many people never get started toward their goals because they don’t know that the “best” first step is. Don’t worry about getting things exactly right — just choose a good option and do something to get started."

Finally, for your viewing pleasure, here is the Red-Tailed Hawk Cam from Cornell University. I find it very soothing to keep this up on my computer screen for a quick break during the day. Enjoy.

Watch live streaming video from cornellhawks at livestream.com

Sunday Funnies, March 4

Speaking of contraception, as we so often seem to be these days...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

h/t MadPriest

Sunday Funnies, Oscar edition

What it would look like if this year's Best Picture nominees had a hostile conversation on Facebook.

Full conversation here.

Sunday Funnies, December 4

Oh, that mournful Gypsy music!

Singer: Keeper
Accordianist: My mother, playing Czardas by Vittorio Monti

I would have posted this earlier, but it took me forever to figure out how to rotate the video, seeing as I used the wrong orientation. In case you're wondering, I finally used this great website called (cleverly enough) Online Video Rotator.  Thank you, Online Video Rotator!

Sunday Funnies: Nov. 20

h/t Chow

Dinosaur clean up on Aisle 5: A guest post from LKT's mom

As you can guess, I've been too busy to blog, which makes me unhappy. I was going to write something about the very cool trip my parents recently took and then I thought--hey! I'll just get them to write it! Thank you, mom, for being my first guest blogger! (I note that you didn't include any photos of yourself. Hmph.)

An Archeopteryx is thought to be an intermediate
between modern birds and predatory dinosaurs.  

 So what can only be found in Berlin Germany, London England and Thermopolis, Wyoming? Give up? Why a fossil of an Archeopteryx of course.

A few weeks ago we (LKT's mom and dad) spent an amazing week at the Wyoming Dinosaur Center in Thermopolis, a town of 3500 people in the middle of Wyoming, with a Road Scholar program learning how to prepare dinosaur bones.

We spent hours and hours hunched over a camarasaurus femur using toothbrushes, water and dental picks to remove mud then transitioned to small hand held jack hammer like tools to deal with the rock or matrix that still surrounded parts of the bone. This was followed by an application of an epoxy to repair and stabilize thin or broken parts.

Dinosaur femur pre-cleaning 

LKT's father engaged in femur cleaning. They paid to do this!

Stegasaurus bones

We got to see the bones for a Stegasaurus  already prepared and laid out ready to assemble as well as how foam casts are used for missing parts or parts too heavy to mount (see below). The hours, days and years necessary for preparing the final displays we see in the museums are many and speak to a dedication on the part of some pretty special folks. We were delighted to be a part of this for a short time.  

Foam casts of bones

More photos from the exhibits at the Dinosaur Museum below:

Awww...mama and baby dinosaurs--how cute!

The Dinosaur Museum in Thermopolis, WY

Sunday Monday Morning Funnies

I meant to set this to post before I went to Fort Bragg...ah well.

In honor of my mother getting a new Android phone:

Sunday Funnies, December 19

This is one of the Christmas Cards The Bloggess sold in order to give gift cards to needy families.

Who wouldn't want to send that to friends and family?

His name, btw, is James Garfield. Duh.

I'm going to church now.

Sunday Funnies

OK, I want to explain why I'm posting this even though it has nothing to do with Father's Day or anything else related to today. I'm posting this because my mom hates Romeo and Juliet. And because I think it's funny.



And to my dad and all you fathers out there, I'd like to say,

Onward and upward.

Things to entertain my mother on her birthday

How do you celebrate your bus driver's birthday?



Also... SLOTH ORPHANAGE!


Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

both h/t Andrew Sullivan.

Should I have gotten you this?

It's from Schadenfreude Interactive.

Everything you loved in the first game, but more of it, ja? Features a new Practice mode, and 65 new songs including:

• Leichtensteiner Polka, Traditional
• The Bowling King, Those Darn Accordions
• Can't Touch This, M.C. Hammer
• Ya Ya Wunderbar, Frankie Yankovic
• Pictures of Matchstick Men, Status Quo
• In Heaven There Is No Beer, Traditional
• Ride The Lightning, Metallica

 Oh, go see the website.  It's a hoot.

Sunday Funnies

I know it's an ad, but it made me laugh.



Also, can I just give a huge shout-out to Betty White for hosting Saturday Night Live last week? Amazing.

Mother's Day Funnies

Happy Mother's Day one and all, but especially to my mother, who sent me this picture of her accordion band from days of yore. And who is taking accordion lessons from the same teacher now at age 71. Her teacher is, what? Eighty? Isn't that awesome?

My mother's response to Project Runway

I got this email from my mom this morning. Used by kind permission.

Well, I browbeat your dad into watching Runway last nite. I had forgotten about it but with your nudge I recalled I liked it. I still like the contestants and love the clothes but CANNOT STAND THE ICKLY PREGNANT WOMAN (DIDN'T LIKE HER WHEN SHE WASN'T PREGNANT) OR THAT GREY HAIRED ANAL GUY WITH LITTLE GLASSES, OR THE POWER, NASTY JUDGES!!!!!. SO THERE. But the rest is really cool and I am really glad Anthony won the magazine cover thingy. I finally watched it with the sound off. That works pretty well. Mom

Sunday funnies

OK, so this from my favorite time waster circa 2009: Twitter. Earlier this week, someone somewhere started a hashtag on twitter called #19thcenturyraplyrics which has amused me greatly. Some of my favorites are compiled below into a simulacrum of someone really white and musically conservative (i.e. me) might consider rap:

19th century rap lyrics (compiled from Twitter)

So, you wish to be a nonpareil,
living the high life in a large manor and five coaches.
Listen and forthwith I shall reveal the spectacle of fame
to the beglamoured and the fond.

Cease! Fall upon the ground!
Stop everything in order to start selling.
Forsooth, this is how uncouth passengers act.
Life consists of little more
than personages of the gentler sex and the coin of the realm.
Cease! Fall upon the ground!
Life consists of little more
than personages of the gentler sex and the coin of the realm.

It is I who is the king of the rock. There is none higher.
Foolish composers shall call me sire.
Verily, the temperatures within this room begin to exceed acceptable levels.
I intend to disrobe forthwith.

Good sir, your conduct has been most vexing and confusing
for this God fearing gentlewoman. I say, speak plainly sir!

Do not lay your hands upon me, my compatriot,
for you may injure yourself due to my high temperature.

Cease! Fall upon the ground! & cetera

I rather enjoy looking at large posteriors and I cannot lie.
My brothers, you cannot deny this as well.
Tis TRUE, my boasts of virility
for I have various women of ill repute in a myriad of villages.

Allow me to extend my condolences, young sir.
I have 99 problems, but fortunately, nary a harlot is among their number

Cease! Fall upon the ground! & cetera

[The photo is from The Impious Digest (subtitle: "In Hell, there is nothing else to read").]