This is what you get when you google "Jesus Bloggess":
Thanks for the zombies, Jesus!
July 12, 2008
Conversation Victor and I had in the car:
Me: Oh my God, did you see the name of that cemetery? “Resurrection Cemetery”. What a terrible name for a cemetery.
Victor: It’s because they believe in the resurrection of believers, dumbass.
Me: Still. Some things just shouldn’t be resurrected. Just what we need is a bunch of damn zombies wandering the earth.
Victor: Yeah, that’s not “resurrection”. That’s “reanimation”.
Me: Same difference. Although I guess “Reanimation Cemetery” would be slightly more disturbing.
Victor: It’s not the same difference. Zombies are reanimated, but they don’t have their previous mental capacity so it’s not a resurrection. Technically it’s “zombification”.
Me: Well if you want to get all technical, then how about vampires?
Victor: Um…they’re fine?
Me: No. I mean, vampires have their “previous mental capacity”, thus by your logic they are resurrected. They might as well name it “Jesus-Is-Bringing-Back-Vampires Cemetery”.
Victor: It’s not the same thing because when you resurrect someone from the grave they aren’t undead.
Me: No, they are TOTALLY undead. That’s like the very definition of the undead.
Victor: No. A vampire is undead. The resurrected aren’t undead.
Me: I think you don’t know what “undead” means.
Victor: I THINK YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT UNDEAD MEANS!
Me: God, calm down, Darwin. Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey-wrench in your faulty zombie logic.
Victor: *sigh* Look, there are all sorts of exceptions you aren’t considering. You can reanimate someone without making them a “zombie”. For example, you can just bring them back simply to perform a task.
Me. Yeah. And that’s called a zombie.
Victor: No, because they wouldn’t crave brains. They’d just have a job to do. Look it up.
Me: Oh I will look it up. I’ll look it up in “The Dictionary Of Shit That Doesn’t Exist”.
Me: I wonder if this is the weirdest fight we’ve ever had.
Victor: Not even close.
Seriously. That is what comes up as the number one entry. It was meant to be on this blog. God wanted it to be here. As to what the Bloggess thinks, I don't know.
O mighty Bloggess, please forgive me for totally ripping you off, but it's because I think you are hilarious and more people, especially Episcopal priests, should read you, especially your advice column, which is fantastic and maybe we will lighten up on the pastoral affectations that afflict so many of us. Here's hoping.