Sunday, December 30, 2012

From our Neighborhood Watch email list

Dec 28, 2012, at 8:24 PM:

Neighborhood alert:

Tonight, Friday December 28, 2012, around 5:00pm our doorbell rang. At the door were two suspicious looking male teens in white shirts and cheap neckties. They said they were missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. Paul said “Thank you but we are a gay household and no one here wants to talk with you.” and closed the door. Then the two young men on the outside of the door prayed in loud voices that God cures all of their homosexual afflictions.

We will need everyone’s help. After 17 years together and a lifelong interest in men this will mean a major life change. You may be called on to fix us up with women, give basic dating advice and lend us all your old Victoria’s Secret catalogs. We plan to check daily so we can tell you as soon as the big change happens.

In the mean time we will be returning their prayer with a prayer that cures their acne.

Paul and James

Dec 29, 2012, at 10:02 AM:

Paul and James,

I turn away all missionaries, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and born agains, explaining that I am not religious. You are perhaps the more fortunate; these people never pray for me, apparently recognizing that I am totally lost and happily headed for Hell, which at least has a balanced budget.

I would like to help you but threw out all of my old copies of Playboy years ago. All I can do is wish you Happy New Year and tell you that I feel lucky to have you as neighbors and as friends.



Turnip Ghost said...

There is no god. Mainline Protestantism is to religion what Mac is to IT: exclusive, pointlessly expensive and oddly attractive to White people looking to advertise their status and "hipness" to other White people.

it's margaret said...

LOL --once, I had some Jehovah Witnesses call on me, for the umpteenth time because Joel always invited them in and offered them a glass of water...

Well, this time, Joel wasn't home and I was mowing the lawn, and it was an incredibly difficult mower to start, so as they approached me down our 1/4 mile long driveway, I stood there --mower on, and they came up and said they wanted to speak to me about God... So, I said, "Go home. Make love to your husband. And while you are making love and when you start screaming 'O God, O God' and you really mean it --come back, and THEN we'll have something to talk about!"

They never ever came back!
Guess they never saw God while they were making love....


Turnip Ghost said...

Jehovah's Witnesses-giving Jamaican grannies a reason to feel special for over 50 years.

Anonymous said...

There was a time when I might have laughed at or about Jehovah's Witnesses - but no more. When my step-mother was flooded in Katrina, it was Witnesses who cleared the brush out of her driveway and brought her and her housebound aunt fresh water to drink.

The longer I live, the more I find that every religion can have aspects that are odd to outsiders, but that these very same religions can also inspire acts of love, care, and compassion that go beyond their boundaries.

it's margaret said...

Huh --didn't know I was making a bad comment about Jehovah's Witnesses --thought I was telling a story on myself pissed-off... Well, there we are.

Anonymous said...

Dear Margaret,

Thank you for writing! I was writing in response to the general tenor of the whole thread, not to any particular part of it.

I often find that I have trouble with tone when I am reading or writing electronically - I am sorry if I misread, misheard, or misunderstood your writing when I was reading it.

Now that I know what you were thinking while you were writing, I will do my best to reread, rethink, and reinterpret from your perspective instead.

Thank you again, and may the new year bring you all good things.